Cows, culture(d meat) & capitalism 

This is a new regular column brought to you by our very own Wolf of Wheat Street: diarist, sinner, capitalist, and most importantly of all, satirical gangster. A coffee, cocoa, and corn trader turned rogue startup financier and agrifoodtech SPAC hunter. (Check out their last column.) Lurking behind the shadows, any feedback you have for them can be directed here.

What a time to be alive, for a cow. Not a day goes by without something new for us to chew on related to the future of our bovine friends. So I decided to jot down a timeline for you all to ruminate on. What do you think?

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both, then gives you some milk. The cows die of neglect.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism in 2000: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire to a houseboat in Florida.

Capitalism in 2019: You have two cows. You co-develop a dairy SaaS platform with a Dutch startup that allows you to monitor your herd remotely. You beta test a drone-enabled milking device. 2GS Ventures and Bleatsheep invest in your startup. You headline at the World Agripolooza conference in São Paulo. Everyone feels good. 

Capitalism in 2021: You have two cows. You hire a consultant from Grain Capital, who advises you to reverse one cow into a NASDAQ-listed SPAC, and then force it to produce the milk of four cows. Its performance falls off a cliff in the first few weeks of trading. The share price drops by 50%. 

Capitalism in 2022: You have two cows. You kill both to reduce your methane emissions and take a biopsy of their residual embryonic stem cells. Bill Plates hears about your technology at Davos and invests. Your lab harvests 40 million luxury cell-cultured leather bags in its first year of production. You host your AGM at COP27.  

Capitalism in 2030: There are no cows left.